The Experiment In Humanity

I cannot give much details here. I know I am onto a great idea. When the task is done I always ask for permission to publish. I always get a yes. No one has ever said no. I started the idea as a way to get me out of the pits of anxiety. One thing led to another. Total strangers caring for me! Wow…..It shocks me back to a time when it was safe to talk to anybody. I talk to anyone who is willing to listen to me. I practice the fine art of conversation without my head stuck in a telephone. I would rather have my head stuck in a good nonfiction book. Recently I asked a total stranger in a Starbucks a simple question……”When did our society change?” It turns out that he was the perfect person to ask “that” question. It turns out he graduated with a degree in addiction studies from the college I am going to. He gave me his business card and asked me to call him. Someday I will call him to discuss what we both are passionate about……Addiction and recovery. Yesterday at my college, I ran into an elderly gentleman at my college observing a piece of student’s artwork. One question led to another. Finally, he ask me a question…….”Are you a professor?” I replied no and asked him if he was a professor. He replied that He was a professor in addiction studies.

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Posted in Acceptance, Addiction, Addictive behaviors, Change, Courage, Encounters in recovery, Gratitude, Life Choices, Motivational, Recovery, TED Talks Videos | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes You Just Need A Breakthrough

I need a breakthrough. I had a little one recently. I have had to learn to stand up for myself and for my needs. I suffer deeply from a fractured arm. I need a healing. I need an emotional healing. I find my life filled with what if’s and self doubt. Will my anger ever be healed? Will my arm be completely healed? I am seeing signs and symptoms that are very disturbing. Nerve damage in places I have never felt before. Self doubt kicks my rear end hard. How can I make it through college unable to take notes. Worry consumes my life. The self destructive thoughts consume me at all times of the night. Be strong and never give up. Your life is not over……it is just beginning. In order to get better we must learn to ask for help from the right places. Making meetings is an important step. No excuses. Find the time to seek out the right meeting for you. There are always meeting going on at all times of the day. Within these meetings, you will find an understanding unlike any other. There is no better place than having a home group. If you seek it……you will find RECOVERY.

 

Posted in 12 steps, Acceptance, Anger, Change, Courage, depression, Living through painful moments, Recovery, TED Talks Videos | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Denial Of Pain

When I am in physical pain, I lash out at everyone and anyone in my path of self destruction. Pain has no filter. It just comes out as…….hurt people want to hurt people. I want to scream and yell “Can’t you see that I am hurting and you are hurting me even more?”  I go as far as to say…….”Do you need to see the X-rays to tell that I am truly broken?” Recently I had a vocational rehabilitation counsellor complain to her boss that I had treated her in a verbally abusive manner by saying ” I have someone else to call to take care of this situation”  I guess it was my tone of voice that inflicted the insult to injury. There is no way to put this kindly. I am old school and she is new school. The worst part was talking to her old school boss who could not quite grasp the fact that I physically cannot write for two three hour undergrad classes with a broken arm that just so happens to be my dominant arm. She has not been listening to anything I have been saying and says ” Can’t you video tape the lecture with your camera?” This is real stupidity at it’s best funded by the government of  pre Donald. Sometimes in life we have to admit our needs in a more specific manner. Stay on top and never sink below to someone’s lack of understand. We all have this basic need to be understood. When we are misunderstood, the old ugly head of addictive hurts and habits may break out in an unfiltered manner of verbal assault. Fear of losing control in recovery is real. Break free from denial. Be confident in your recovery. You can get through it with the right program. Celebrate Recovery or a specific twelve step program can help. Just do it! Take the addiction beast by the horns. Get your recovered life on! 

Posted in 12 steps, Acceptance, Addiction, Anger, Celebrate Recovery, Change, Courage, Encounters in recovery, Let Go and Let God, Life Choices, One Day At A Time, Recovery journey | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Follow Up On Being Sensitive To Others

I went to first service yesterday. This gave me plenty of time to make sure that the greeters knew to look out for this young couple for me. I only showed one person a picture of them. Yes, they let me take a picture of them with permission. They also wanted my picture. I thought what the heck. They know the importance of maintaining anonymity in a twelve step program. Long story made short……I was outside sitting on a bench when a church member ran up to me saying “They are here! They are here!” This beautiful woman tried to help me find them. I stood in front of the congregation and looked out into the flock of sheep. All of a sudden our eyes met. We met each other in the aisle and hugged. I cried like a baby. It was emotional to say the least. I sat with them through second service we prayed and worshipped together united as one. To be continued next Sunday at second service. The following is a You Tube clip over an hour long. If you have time you can listen to it. I have to affiliation with NA. I cannot judge the content of it. Only someone in NA would understand service work.  

Posted in 12 step progam, Change, Courage, Encounters in recovery, Recovery journey | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Being Sensitive To The Needs Of Others

Last Sunday I was really offended in church. I went up for prayers for healing. I was the first in this one particular line. The woman said “Hurry up! There are people in line behind you.” If I bit my tongue, I would have bled all over the beautiful sanctuary carpet. I cannot complain. I will not complain about the Senior pastor’s wife. I asked for prayers for a clear mind so that I could recall events to file a complaint. I told them that this was very important to me. The next thing I knew was that another woman piped her opinion in also. They both stated “Don’t do it!” That did it. I was done listening. I went into immediate shut down mode and left the church angry. I wanted to leave that church forever. I went to eat lunch and then felt the urge to go to a store that I have never gone to. I was supposed to go to this store. God sent me to where I was needed. I met a clean cut young couple. They were recovering drug addicts 8-9 months clean. They were also homeless and living out of their car. I asked them what they really needed. I then told them to wait in the store until I returned. I blessed them when I returned to the store. They couldn’t stop hugging me. They even showed me their car that they sleep out of. I knew I had impacted the lives of these recovering individuals when the young lady said ” What church do you go to?” Today I hope to run into this couple at the church I wanted to quit. Obviously God has different plans for me. I will let go and let God steer me in the right direction of life. God is….Good Orderly Direction. 

Posted in Addiction, Anger, Change, Courage, Encounters in recovery, Gratitude, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Brush It Off

Brushing off addiction. I have a dirty little secret. Hidden deep within the passages of my brain.  The monster is killing me….breaking me down. Something happened last week to cause the anger monster come out. Yelling and screaming. Being lied to. Hearing the lies absolutely killed me. I heard what she was telling me. Lies,lies, lies. I refuse to except unexceptable behavior. I had rehearsed what I was going to say and even wrote it down. Yet this individual said I never told her my name. The rest of the conversation went down hill fast. Finally, the Merry-go-round ride ended. I was confused and reeling with emotional hurt. Brush it off……let go and let God handle life’s difficulties. Choose to not feed the addiction beast. You are not alone. Emerge a victor. The battle is real but it can be won. Making meetings can help. Calling people in the program can help. Celebrate Recovery or a twelve step program can help.

Posted in 12 steps, Acceptance, Addiction, Addictive behaviors, Anger, Celebrate Recovery, Change, Courage, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

HALT

Halt=Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. I learned this years ago in a twelve step program. This is a mini self inventory for me. Am I hungry for the wrong things?  Right now yes. I am thinking that my anger is leading me down a slippery slope. Trickle affect. People asking me stupid questions. I explode big time so much that the individual asks me do you want to talk to her supervisor. Don’t do it I thought to myself. I need a time out. The type of time out where you sit in the corner and cry until you can’t cry anymore. Am I hungry? Yes! I am hungry for recovery. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Slowly this PTSD is killing me. I feel alone. No one really understands me. I want to scream and shout. I pretend to be happy but I am not. I put on a false face and step out into the world. I hate feeling this way anger is my constant companion. Music soothes me. I take long drives in my car to forget. Just for the moment. Tired……When was the last time I slept like a baby? No answer. Pain disrupts my sleep. Never ever get hungry, lonely or tired. Today I will have to deal with it and not ignore it. It’s like that big pink elephant in the room that no one one wants to address. I want to hold a sign up that says ” Stop asking me how am I.” I know it is what everyone does out of common courtesy. I have been telling them the truth……..I am in pain. I hurt. No one wants to hear “stuff” like that. I have been stuffing my feelings for too long. Time to go back to the……..Let go and let God stage.

 

Posted in 12 step progam, Anger, Celebrate Recovery, Change, Let Go and Let God, Life Choices, Slogans | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment