Brush It Off

Brushing off addiction. I have a dirty little secret. Hidden deep within the passages of my brain.  The monster is killing me….breaking me down. Something happened last week to cause the anger monster come out. Yelling and screaming. Being lied to. Hearing the lies absolutely killed me. I heard what she was telling me. Lies,lies, lies. I refuse to except unexceptable behavior. I had rehearsed what I was going to say and even wrote it down. Yet this individual said I never told her my name. The rest of the conversation went down hill fast. Finally, the Merry-go-round ride ended. I was confused and reeling with emotional hurt. Brush it off……let go and let God handle life’s difficulties. Choose to not feed the addiction beast. You are not alone. Emerge a victor. The battle is real but it can be won. Making meetings can help. Calling people in the program can help. Celebrate Recovery or a twelve step program can help.

HALT

Halt=Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. I learned this years ago in a twelve step program. This is a mini self inventory for me. Am I hungry for the wrong things?  Right now yes. I am thinking that my anger is leading me down a slippery slope. Trickle affect. People asking me stupid questions. I explode big time so much that the individual asks me do you want to talk to her supervisor. Don’t do it I thought to myself. I need a time out. The type of time out where you sit in the corner and cry until you can’t cry anymore. Am I hungry? Yes! I am hungry for recovery. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Slowly this PTSD is killing me. I feel alone. No one really understands me. I want to scream and shout. I pretend to be happy but I am not. I put on a false face and step out into the world. I hate feeling this way anger is my constant companion. Music soothes me. I take long drives in my car to forget. Just for the moment. Tired……When was the last time I slept like a baby? No answer. Pain disrupts my sleep. Never ever get hungry, lonely or tired. Today I will have to deal with it and not ignore it. It’s like that big pink elephant in the room that no one one wants to address. I want to hold a sign up that says ” Stop asking me how am I.” I know it is what everyone does out of common courtesy. I have been telling them the truth……..I am in pain. I hurt. No one wants to hear “stuff” like that. I have been stuffing my feelings for too long. Time to go back to the……..Let go and let God stage.

 

You’ll Find The Answer……

I went to a church event last night and left feeling offended by a very famous author. I asked him a question and he responded by saying ” Buy my book on deliverance.” Thanks but no thanks. It was almost like he was pushing sales on his books. I only need one book for the answer……the Bible. Celebrate Recovery and Twelve step programs anchor us to the bible. Within the bible, you will find the answers that you seek. God offers us a promise of restoration. In Jeremiah 33:6 of the Celebrate Recovery Bible, there is a bible verse that states “Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” These words are for all of us. Recovery means health and healing. When recovery occurs, there will be peace and security in our lives. This brings us to a place of restoration. We become renewed and our bodies become strengthened. No longer are we left wandering in the desert of addiction. You’ll find the answers in the bible, Celebrate Recovery, and Twelve Step Programs. 

The Power Of Reaching Out

There is power in reaching out for help. I have been undergoing a difficult season in my life. Dealing with medical issues and going to college at the same time. Last week a Professor had to point out that what I was putting into my body was not good for me. She did this in front of the whole class. I decided to come clean…….I am diabetic. I wake up feeling awful and it continues throughout the day. My main staples are diet pop and candy. This is not the way that I want to live. I am addicted to life. I want to live but slowly my habits are killing me. My loved ones see it. I don’t want to stop my bad habits…….The flip side would be so much better. Recovery……Reaching Every Corner Overcoming Victoriously Encouraging Reminders Yourself. RECOVERY. Recovery starts when you decide to overcome addiction. It is a decision that only you can make to get better. It is a decision that only you can make to choose a new life over the death and destruction of addiction. There are times that you need to hear encouraging reminders weekly. This is where Celebrate Recovery meetings or Twelve Step meeting come into play. You are never alone. Somewhere out there the lies the hope and encouragement that you seek. Never give up. There is power in reaching out.

This Is The Last Time

I told two strangers that this was the last time I was going to tell my story.  I had no idea that these individuals were related. My story goes back six years. Slowly my life gets better but yet the incident will remain in my mind forever. I suffer deeply from it. Nothing can erase it from my mind. With 2017 just around the corner, I have a choice to make. My resolutions include……Forgive those who do not understand. Laugh more. Live life to the fullest. Apologize when things go wrong. Stop blaming. Be an encourager. Make a difference where it really counts. Live an authentic life. Read more. Journal more. Don’t let people trample your dreams. 

An Uncomfortable Feeling

I recently signed up for a Celebrate Recovery meeting. What transpired next totally blew the rules of anonymity. A mass email was sent out with everyone’s name on it. Not good. I felt uncomfortable reading my name on the email along with the other names. It is not my right to let them know what happened. I may have to write a letter to the church leadership. I know why I go to meetings………To continue on my journey of healing from life’s hurts, habits, and hangups. The uncomfortable feeling continued last night when one of the leaders called me and asked me why I did not go to the meeting. That was totally wrong. I never made the first meeting. I told the individual the truth….Due to my college class being over at 7:30pm, I would miss over half the meeting. There is a part of me that still wants to go. But then I might be judgemental after the breach of anonymity. I will have to make another meeting. A meeting that is run by the principles of the program and not by the opinions of others. There is always the good, the bad, and the ugly. When you find the right meeting you will know. There will be a sense of belonging and of course……total anonymity.

Trying Not To Judge

Two weeks ago a signed up to go to another Celebrate Recovery meeting. A few days ago I received and email listing the date and location of the meeting. What I didn’t like was that I could see every individual’s name and email. Whatever happened to anonymity? I honestly care about anonymity within a twelve step program or a Celebrate Recovery program. An individual in recovery needs to be safe in knowing their personal story will not leave the safety of the meeting. Addiction brings self condemnation. Recovery brings restoration. When  we judge others, this leaves an open door for us to be judged. Tomorrow I will give yet a new meeting a try.      http://youtu.be/lPyfJd_kSNg