In the blink of an eye…….My life changed today. Everyone around me had gotten the “ticket” to be interviewed for the Master’s Program. I received nothing. I felt relief. I can move on to the next step…….Letting go of the disappointment of letting my family down. There will be no pity party only a graduation party in May. August will find me in a new college program that will be much better for me. Everything does change when we are willing to let go and Let God handle life’s difficult moments. When the addict accepts that they have an addiction, recovery can start. It takes courage to change old habits into new ones. It takes wisdom to know the difference between addiction and recovery. Today I did not seek comfort in my former addiction. For that I am eternally grateful to my higher power.
Picture what looking beyond addiction looks like. Most addicts cannot do that because they are too far into their addiction. Addiction is an easy way out of life’s responsibilities……A bad choice of a coping mechanism. When all else fails, rock bottom happens. The lowest point being death. What does the death of an addict look like in recovery? Total surrender. Letting go of the crutch that keeps a crippled addict totally unable to function. Is the addictive choice really a fix? The wound of addiction is too big. There is only one choice ……..To make a 12 step meeting or attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting along with counseling. There is an epidemic out there. It’s real. I had an elderly woman say “ Don’t judge me.” She uses Oxycodone for pain management. I had to be totally honest and say “I don’t judge you.” I have no right to. But there came a point where she showed me how she got her drugs for cheap. That’s where I drew the line……I thought for this old suffering woman there has to be freedom from pain. For me I choose to live one day at a time.
In exactly two hours, I will have been awake for 24 hours. Physical pain and nothing more is keeping me awake. I fear losing control. At some point, I will pass out out of pure exhaustion. I sit here in bed focusing on the pain. It’s deep. It’s constant. Pain let’s me know that I still can feel. Letting go of an addiction is like letting go of a lover gone bad. It hurts to let go of forbidden pleasure. That drink that hides the truth of emotional hurt. The drugs that cloud your mind until you have lost touch with reality. We are all hurting in so many different ways. Life is never fair. But there are always lessons to be learned. Try not to dwell on the past. Live for today in total surrender. Cherish each day as one more day being clean. Listen to the following song…….Let each word sink in on your journey of recovery.
I had a dream once. I saw myself helping those in need. But I quit my job. My job as a nurse was my plan A. Recently a lot of bad words were spoken over me. 16 weeks is not enough time to get to know someone. 16 weeks or less can birth an addiction. All it takes is one hit, one drink, one view (pornography) etc. You can honestly be addicted to anything. It’s not just drugs and alcohol. Is there such a thing as a good addiction? No. Anything can be done in excess. You can go overboard. Your ship of life can sink pretty fast without you even noticing it. Who will throw you your life vest? A good program of recovery for life. Most people in life don’t plan to fail. They fail to plan. In order to recover from an addiction, YOU must first surrender. Accept that you need help. Find the help YOURSELF. Be willing to recover. When you have a true desire to recover, you will be successful. Any twelve step program or Celebrate recovery program can lead you down the path of recovery. Recovery from life’s addictions always starts with SURRENDER.
Sometime next week I will be blowing the whistle on my College for a violation in the Americans with Disabilities act. If life could be all so simple. I sat down and was interviewed for the next level of my college career. It was something that she said that made me feel uncomfortable. That feeling that punches you in the gut. Instead of breaking out in an angry outrage, I cried. I don’t want to be labeled. Some times we have to do the right thing. I told her I just wasted 5 years of my college career. The past twenty four hours has been a whirlwind. I have decided to switch majors and become an addictions counselor. I don’t care about how much money I will make. Earlier today I watched a man admiring a wall of guitars from famous bands. We struck up a conversation and he told me an addiction story that involved his family member. This all occurred within a matter of less than 10 minutes. I often ask myself……Why do strangers tell me their personal stuff? Now I know why……..They see something in me that I don’t. If we can only……..Listen and learn. Life would be so much easier. If we could just stop, addiction would be no more. But life is what it is. We must learn to do the right thing. Let go of addiction, hurt, and pain. Totally grasp recovery with eyes wide open.
Posted in Acceptance, Addiction, Celebrate Recovery, Change, Courage, Encounters in recovery, Let Go and Let God, Life Choices, Living through painful moments, New Beginnings, Uncategorized
Tagged addiction, doing the right thing, Let go and let God