It has been almost 1 year since I have written on this blog. I am alive and well. Covid free. On Monday I will be starting my 1 year internship. Life at home has been a blur
I have one more year until I graduate from a Master’s program. I made a decision tonight to block a student from texting me. I realize that she was becoming way to dependent on my help. I have a feeling that she will email me. I just need some time to myself.
It’s been awhile since I practiced self care. A lot has changed. I am learning to let go and Let God handle my college drama. I am learning to realize that it’s ok to ask for help during stressful times. I find myself asking “How much longer do I have to live in the era of Covid. Meetings are getting back to some form of normalcy. There are some meetings that are still shut down.
It’s been awhile since life was normal. I still wear a mask even though I have been vaccinated. I am afraid. F. E.A.R.= False expectations appearing real. This is real. We must be cautious and aware of our surroundings. Yet we need our meetings in order to stay recovered. Now more than ever it is important to keep in contact with our recovery friends. It’s been awhile. I will try my best to write when I can. Stay Clean. Stay Sober. Most of all stay safe.
I am not alone. I am afraid. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. How are you doing? When was the last time you heard those words? Do you need help? Are you hurt. What if I said “ I can’t breathe.”? PERIOD. Step aside and take a deep breathe. Feel the air enter your body. This is living. You are alive. Whatever you may be facing right now……Know that you are not alone. Reach out to your sponsor or friends in the program. Never give up hope. Support one another. Tell yourself that you are not alone. Never ever give up hope.
Before the isolation started. I went to a 12 step meeting for observation. The topic was about gratitude. I was invited to go back to the meeting. I couldn’t go. The lockdown began. I am thankful to be healthy. Reach out by the phone and check in on your family and friends. These times are difficult but we will get through it. One day at a time. Be patient be kind. Take time to reflect on your blessings. Together we will survive. One day we will return to a new normal.
I am getting ready to do an assignment at an open 12 step meeting. I have to observe my surroundings and write about my observations. The list of objects is long. I cannot help but think “ How am I going to write without standing out in the group. I may have to doodle while I write. I pray that none of my classmates are at the same group I am at. I have been under a lot of stress. Family illnesses, the death of a pet, and my own physical illnesses have taken it’s toll on me. If I stood back and observed my life, I would see burnout occurring. I want to feel like I am not being used and judged by people. So far, so good. The angry side of dis-ease have not raised it’s ugly head. I look forward to sitting around the table….my comfort zone
The following is a book review for a book Called To Inspire by Marsha Ducille. The book is truly inspirational in all ways. The book includes 52 life changing questions. Each question is thought provoking. One question after another makes you go deeper into who you are as an individual. There are sections in which there are short prayers, bible verses, and daily declarations. There are whole pages dedicated to journaling at the end of the chapters. The illustrations are bright and colorful. This book is a beautiful addition to use daily in our recovery. For example one of the journal questions is….How can you maximize what you are given? In life we are given many opportunities. Some of these opportunities can be missed. Do not miss the opportunity to have this book in your library. Tyndale House Publishers and Author Masha Ducille have put together a bestseller. A review copy was provided to me by Tyndale House Publishers.
I started going to a different Celebrate Recovery meeting and then found out that the meeting dates were changing. I honestly felt like taking my “friend’s” inventory last week. She saw me going up for prayer and decided to call me to see what was going on. She told me I needed to confess my sins. I told her a little bit about what I was going through. She freaked out on the phone. Inwardly my heart was telling me to keep this to myself. I am glad that I can let go and let God handle my situation. While my so called friend was a control it all individual. She has not called me back since. A good friend would call and say how are you. I can honestly say that the program works if you don’t work someone else’s program. This week will bring yet another meeting into my life. I cannot wait to meet a whole new group of fresh faces.
On Sunday I will write a notecard and leave it at a bedside table. I have never met the individuals involved. I am a hospice volunteer. Lately I realize that I have hurt my family deeply. Some of them have no idea what I did to cause so much pain. I could write them a note card but that would not be right. Making amends is truly life altering. But what if the individual has passed…….Sit down and write a letter and pour your heart out. Cry if you need to. But express your feelings and then burn it. Out of the ashes the Phoenix rises. Out of the flames you will find peace and serenity. I did leave the notecard on Sunday. Yesterday I found out my client passed away. It saddened me that I couldn’t find out his life story. We all have our own addiction/recovery stories. Are you in recovery now? How does recovery make you feel? Are you addicted now? How does it make you feel? There is nothing better than the feeling of being in a recovery program. It is a conscious decision. A lifelong change for the better. We heal better when we are in recovery. Celebrate Recovery or the Twelve Steps will show you the way.
Everyday I have to practice being patient. Being angry is one of my character defects. It gets me nowhere. When total strangers act inappropriately, I feel my blood start to boil. I want to scream and swear at them. Road rage will get me nowhere. The road to recovery will get you somewhere. A place that is filled with peace and serenity. The journey may be long and hard but it is worth it. You are worth it. Along the journey there are others who are seeking answers to their problems. Around the table, we all understand that we are together and accountable for our recovery in the program. The 12 steps or Celebrate Recovery can be an integral part in our journey through life.
God give me strength today to make it through whatever comes my way. Help me to be patient towards others who are unkind towards me. Give me the courage God to face whatever challenges that may come my way today. Give me the peace and understanding to follow the 12 steps of recovery.
I cried on Friday wondering how a broken person like me could get accepted in a Master’s Program for Social Work. The program had only 25-30 spots open. I guess being broken has changed me for the better. My hurts, habits, and hangups have changed me. My priorities have changed. The people I meet every day prepare me for my future career. Being broken for an addict can be both good and bad. The good thing is finding recovery and hope for future. The bad thing about addiction is the consequences. There is nothing good about addiction. Initially, the high may feel good but then the addict will experience withdrawals. The effects of withdrawal plays havoc on the mind and body. Detoxification is needed. This means medical intervention and then being in a rehabilitation center. Finally staying clean or sober by attending 12 step meetings or Celebrate Recovery meetings regularly and getting a sponsor. This is the beginning steps for healing that which is broken.